I'm horribly inconsistent, but I have firmly decided to add something to my blog atleast once a month. I have lots of easy excuses why I havent, but if my friends with kids can do it, then so can I right?
  This coming weekend marks my 30th birthday. A milestone that I hadn't thought much about until now. I remember that 30 certainly seemed much older when I was a child and it was my parents who were in their 30's. I certainly don't feel "old" by any means, I feel neither younger nor older than my 30 years. I have always only felt just exactly my age. 
  Looking back and reflecting on my life thus far, remembering back to when I was a young teenager and though there was a large degree of uncertainty, I had certainly a different idea of who I wanted to be when I was this age.  I never sat down and said "when I am 30 I want to have achieved or done.....", I'm not sure I even ever thought about what it would be like to be 30. But I had notions of what I expected would happen.
  I remember long summer evenings as the light was fading into the sky and I would watch the sunset over the trees in the mountains of the Bitterroot Valley where I lived in Montana, I would sit on a bench swing and just daydream away about my future. What young girl doesn't?  We all plan on how we are going to meet our future husbands, what kind of romantic things he would do, how he would propose, how we would get married and live happily ever after.  My idea of  "ever after" included being a therapist and working for the church. I would have 6 children with a large home and sizeable income. I couldn't picture myself as a stay-at-home mother. In fact, during the first year of my marriage when we went to file our taxes at H&R block, the tax preparor asked my occupation and when I explained that I wasn't working, just staying at home while pregnant, she promptly put me down as "homemaker". I was downright insulted! I was a working girl just on temporary break from working. There was NO way I was going to be a homemaker!! I certainly wasn't about to be a domesticated Susie homemaker who baked fresh pies and put them on her window sill, had a flourishing vegetable garden and gorgeous flower boxes, made home made crafts and sewed, everything that I now like to do.  It's been a standing joke between my husband and I ever since. Now when asked, I simply tell them I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm no longer afraid of the title "homemaker". 
   So at first I did not enjoy being the stay-at-home mother. I had always worked for a living and enjoyed it.  From the time I was about 10 I would earn a small income doing odd jobs or babysitting for neighbors. I enjoyed working, the sense of pride and accomplishment and feeling like I was important because of whatever I was doing. However, when I became pregnant with my son, I determined right from the start that I would never put my children in the childcare systems out there. I felt they were too much of a hazard to a child's well-being. There are the pro's and con's to any decision and for some parents out there, that is the only choice. But I personally felt that it was wrong for me to do so when I had a choice and didn't need to work full-time. So I quit my part-time job which I did not enjoy anyways, and settled in to stay home. I didn't really know how to be a housewife though. I've never been the crafty, creative type. I didn't even decorate the place. I felt that my husband's income was his income, though he disagreed. So I was generally bored and restless at home.  After my son was born, I truly struggled with being a stay-at-home mother. It seemed so boring and brainless!  I was never good with small children and keeping them entertained. I didn't even like playing with legos or barbies when I was a child, I had no idea what to do to keep a child happy other than basic care. I have had to learn to entertain the child and also entertain myself. It's taken alot of practice.  Something I had to teach myself. Now, not only do I embrace the call to be home with my children, but I enjoy it and wouldn't have it any other way. I've found that I can let my inner child out. I can be silly and have fun, and my kids love it. I don't have to be an accomplished scholar or have any kind of a degree. Right now, I'm living in the moment with my kids and I've discovered a whole new world that I hadn't really thought I'd enjoy. Kind of like when you get hired for a job you're doubtful of but soon discover that's your most favorite job ever and you don't want to ever do anything else.  My children are such special and unique individuals and I can't imagine how boring my life would have been if they hadn't happened along.  The Lord truly knows what we need even when we don't think that's what we want right then. I'm grateful for the hand of a Master to guide me where I can't see.
  In the past few years there have been times when I've looked back and wished I had been able to do this or that, because others I know did and their lives look so much brighter than mine, but I've realized that I have my own individual story to write and that I'm not them so I can't live their life. I'm glad my life isn't what I dreamed of when I was 15. I love what I have now so much more and I'm grateful for what the Lord decided that I needed most. My family. 30 years from now I'll look back and I will cherish the journey that led me there.